Devoured

"For all the Law is fulfilled in one word, even in this "You shall love you neighbor as yourself." But if you bite and devour one another, beware lest you be consumed by one another."
Galatians 5:14-15

For anyone who has witnessed the multifaceted spiritual, emotional, and mental transformations I've experienced over the last few years, this is my confession, and my apology. Years ago, I had a desire to serve, to heal, and to help others. My life was warped around my own ego, and a desire for an acceptable image that could not be rejected or disliked. Being a "likable guy" was my main concern, and it was rooted in my own pride, with no other motive. I must admit, I excelled at it; I amassed a laundry list of "friends" all over school, home, and my workplaces. This is where most, if not all of you have found place in my life, whether for a short season, or the long haul.

The growing concern for me over the last year has been a reputation I have garnered at work, among certain friends, and perhaps even in my family. I am fully aware of the fact that I have become known for a sharp whit, sarcasm, and cutting words. In my times, I have justified this ill treatment of friends, family, and anyone so unfortunately within reach because of my own pain and spiritual struggle. As a practicing cynic, I found myself rationalizing everything by the climate of my surroundings; egged on by a pride so strong it caused me to be unwilling to admit, nor recognize my own degeneration. With this improper perception of myself, and more importantly an improper perception of God, there was no way I could have seen the damage being caused to those around me, but also to myself.

Ironically enough, damaging oneself through the slow and methodical disintegration of his own life has a way of breaking foolish pride. Some might call it an experience of self-revelation, others would call it rock bottom; whatever you call it, it's humbling. Humility, much like pride, has a canibalistic quality of feeding on its own kind. Pride feeds itself through pride, while humility feeds itself through humility. As I'm walking this path of humility, I know there are certain boundaries which will be a challenge to break through, most specifically a reputation in which I found great pride. This reputation is the very thing this confession is intended to destroy.

The widely encompassing command to love your neighbor as yourself has a few simple predications. First, to love. I won't get into the delicate intricacies of this one, just suffice it to say, we know love when we see it, and we know what a lack of love looks like as well. Second, Jesus made it pretty clear with the parable of the good samaritan that a neighbor is not just a brother, a friend, or an acquaintance, but all of our fellow man, regardless of color, creed, nationality, or worldview. Finally, the degree of which we ought to love our neighbor is in direct proportion to the amount in which we love our self. As my father would say "there's the rub." Aside from an active disdain for some, I've certainly been most guilty of loving myself and considering myself far more than that of my neighbor. Even when my actions of goodwill and sacrifice are for nothing more than to gain favor of my neighbor, they are selfish acts of benevolence. How's that for an oxymoron? Selfish benevolence.

So, as the world has turned cold to each other, I am humbly admitting that I am guilty of hating my neighbor. I have loved myself in far greater proportion than I have loved my neighbor. In the same breath, I have praised God, and cursed my brother. In witty candor, I have badmouthed leaders, With no remorse, I have participated in the very system of deceit, manipulation, and self-service I condemned; until now. Even now as I write this, I feel a conditioned compulsion to rationalize the severity of my condition. "I'm not as bad as..." "At least I didn't..." "Well, I could have..." I will not justify. I am guilty. I have been a part of the problem.

So for those whom I have bitten, I am sorry. For those whom I've hurt, I apologize. To the God whose love I have falsely represented, I am exposed. See, what I've come to realize, is that loving your neighbor as yourself is not only a practical command to live with each other peaceably, but an essential part of our own liberation from the sin that separates us from God. In times of life in which I have walked closely with God, the spiritual gifts which he has given me have flourished. In recent years, any formerly known spiritual gifts have been diminished by the unrepentant presence of sin, and a great divide has arisen. Thankfully, because of the Love of God, and the demonstration of it through Christ, I have come to see my right place. With bended knee, and humble countenance, I submit myself to the guidance of the spirit of God, the Lordship of Christ, and the plan of God.

Intellectually, philosophically, and politically, we can't change the world. Intellect and philosophy are limited by idealist banter, which encompasses only the written or spoken word. Politically, you can tax whom you care to tax, and give to whom you choose to give, but there is nothing of love to be spoken of by the taxed for the one to whom his tax is used to support. Love is a verb; an idea with a form of action behind it. The world cannot replicate the life changing power of Christ, nor the power and authority of God by man made means. No system of thought, political agenda, or persuasive speeches from dynamic personalities will cause a man to love his neighbor as himself. It is only in the scandalous message of a savior on a cross to take upon himself the sin which separates man from his loving creator that can transform the heart of a man. Hatred and war will not win the day, only love will do that.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
Romans 5:8